A Stranger in My Own Skin: Unrecognized Sociopathy

⏱️ 14 min read

Ever felt like you didn't quite fit in? Like there was something inherently different about you, lurking beneath the surface? Imagine living your life, completely unaware of the darkness within. That was the reality of the person in this story. What this individual eventually discovered was that they were a sociopath.

Psychology Abstract. Courtesy of Adobe Stock

Welcome to That's Life, I Swear. This podcast is about life's happenings in this world that conjure up such words as intriguing, frightening, life-changing, inspiring, and more. I'm Rick Barron your host. 

That said, here's the rest of this story 

So, let’s have a definition of a sociopath. Per the Mayo Clinic, a sociopath is someone with antisocial personality disorder, “is a mental health condition in which a person consistently shows no regard for right and wrong and ignores the rights and feelings of others. People with antisocial personality disorder tend to purposely make others angry or upset and manipulate or treat others harshly or with cruel indifference. They lack remorse or do not regret their behavior.”

The individual that fits that description in this story is Ph.D. Patric Gagne. She’s recently come out with a book on her journey, discussing the author’s struggle to come to terms with her being a sociopath.

In a compelling autobiography, Patric unravels a turbulent journey of self-exploration, confronting the mysterious depths of their own sociopathic tendencies while endeavoring to dispel widespread misunderstandings surrounding this marginalized psychological state.

Patric at age 4. Courtesy of New York Times

From her early days of schooling, she sensed the disturbing impact she had on others. An innate divergence in her emotional landscape left her puzzled by the perplexing responses she drew from those around her. Patric’s life seemed void of emotions like fear, guilt, and empathy, feeling a sense of drifting in an ocean of emotional emptiness. 

In a desperate attempt to fill this void and assimilate into a society seemingly averse to their kind, Patric turned to deceit, theft, lies and sporadic acts of violence. She even mastered the art of picking locks and trespassing, all with the goal of replacing the nothingness with...something. 

It wasn't until her college years that Patric's suspicions were confirmed: they were a sociopath.

Despite being one of the earliest recognized personality disorders, a sociopath had been largely ignored within mental health discussions for decades. Faced with this diagnosis, Patric confronted a grim prognosis, haunted by societal depictions of someone tagged as a sociopath as synonymous with malice and being a monster.

Life took a positive spin for Patric as luck entered the picture. Patric rekindled a past romance, prompting a reassessment of her inherent capacity for affection. Could this emotion offer salvation from the damning stigma of being labeled a monster? With unwavering support from her past lover and an eclectic group of allies, they embarked on a mission to dismantle the misconception of someone who was a sociopath as an irreversible sentence of wickedness.

Patric’s book stands as a testament to her resilience and her relentless pursuit of a life enriched with love and hope, challenging the ominous shadows cast by her diagnosis.

In one of the chapters of her book, Patric shares how her mother confronted her on something she discovered that eventually lead to a come-to-Jesus’ type of discussion. 

Sociopath, A Memoir. Courtesy of Waltmart

It's important to clarify: Patric wasn't struggling with kleptomania. The relentless pull she experienced stemmed from a different source—a compulsion born from the gnawing discomfort of detachment, an almost indescribable absence of typical social sentiments such as shame and empathy.

During her formative years, comprehension eluded her. What she did understand was the stark contrast between herself and her peers. While other children experienced the weight of guilt upon deceit and the sting of empathy at playground mishaps, she remained unaffected by such emotional currents. Instead, an unsettling void defined her inner landscape, a void she found intolerable. And so, she sought to fill it with anything at hand.

This impulse manifested as an insistent pressure, expanding until it engulfed her being entirely. Ignoring it only exacerbated the sensation, tightening her muscles and knotting his stomach with each passing moment. It felt suffocating, as if she were trapped within her own mind, trapped in a never-ending abyss.

Stealing wasn't a desire per se—it was merely the most accessible means of alleviating the relentless tension. This realization first struck her while in the first grade. She sat behind a girl named Clancy. As the pressure mounted relentlessly, she found herself gripped by an inexplicable frustration, consumed by a violent urge she struggled to comprehend.

Then, in the middle of this tempest of turbulent thoughts, her gaze fell upon Clancy's delicate barrette, a pair of pink bows adorning her hair, one slightly askew. "Take it," whispered like an imaginary devil sitting on her shoulder.

Though she harbored a genuine fondness for Clancy, the allure of relief eclipsed her moral qualms. With deliberate care, Patric extended her hand, unfastening the bow from her hair. As it nestled into her palm, a sense of release washed over her, akin to the gentle exhale of a deflating balloon. The why of it eluded her, yet in that moment, such matters held little significance. She had discovered a remedy, and that, in itself, sufficed.

These early transgressions etched themselves into her memory like coordinates on a map, tracing a path towards increasing self-awareness. Even now, the origins of most pilfered items from her childhood remain cataloged within her mind's recesses. 

One day as her mother was cleaning her room, she felt the vacuum cleaner hit something under the bed. Looking underneath she discovered several shoe boxes. When she opened them, she came across a collection of trinkets such as a People’s magazine with Ringo Starr on the cover, a girl’s locket, and a delicate barrette, and other items. 

Looking over the items, Patric’s mother knew she never gave her any of these things to Patric, so was curious how she came about the them. 

The come-to-Jesus’ discussion was about to begin.

Her mother was insisted upon discovering the items in her room, where they came from and she wanted to know now. Patric stood motionless by her bed, not knowing what to say or how she could disappear from the embarrassment of her mom’s discovery.

Her mother grew more irritable with every passing moment. Patric stayed silent. “Look at me," she shouted, as she took hold of Patric’s shoulders firmly. "Somewhere out there, someone is missing this locket. They're feeling so upset over its absence. Can you imagine their sorrow? Did that ever cross your mind?!"

Patric closed her eyes, attempting to conjure empathy for the locket's owner, yet found herself met with an unsettling void. Opening her eyes, she met her mother's gaze, sensing her angry.

Patric states in the book the words her mother expressed to her. "Sweetheart, listen to me," she began, lowering herself to her level. "Taking what isn't yours constitutes stealing. And stealing, my dear, is gravely wrong."

Once more, Patric remained unaffected by her words, prompting a moment of hesitation on her mother's part. Drawing a deep breath, her mother asked a question that was very measured in tone, "Is this a recurring behavior?"

Patric froze and at first hesitated with an answer. Eventually she nodded her head in acknowledgment and pointed towards the bedroom closet, leading her mother to another box hiding inside. Together, they sorted through its contents, along with Patric’s explanations accompanying each item that had been discovered. Her mother rose to her feet, declaring to Patric she would return each item to its rightful owner—a proposition that elicited no objection from Patric. 

Consequences held no sway over her actions, nor did the notion of remorse, both deemed as foreign concepts in her understanding of normalcy. Indeed, the act of restitution served a dual purpose—it cleared the box's clutter while providing her with a pristine canvas for future acquisitions.

"Why did you take these things?" his mother inquired, her voice ringing with concern.

Patric pondered the question, reflecting on the internal pressures that drove her impulses towards what she had done. "I don't know," she admitted, the words weighted with uncertainty.

"Are you sorry?" her mother pressed further, her gaze searching for signs of contrition.

"Yes," Patric replied without hesitation. And yet, her remorse stemmed not from the harm caused to others, but rather from the necessity of resorting to theft to quell the turbulent fantasies that plagued her thoughts.

Empathy, much like remorse, remained an elusive concept for Patric. Despite her upbringing in the Baptist church, where the importance of repentance was ingrained, she struggled to connect with these fundamental emotions. The teachings of her youth emphasized notions of honor and shame, yet these concepts failed to evoke any genuine sentiment within her. Patric’s inability to navigate these core emotional experiences posed challenges in forming and maintaining friendships, rendering her an outlier rather than an evil person.

As an adult, she sought to understand the roots of his behavior. Delving into research exploring the interplay between anxiety and apathy, Patric unearthed theories suggesting that the stress arising from internal discord could drive individuals towards self-destructive actions. 

In retrospect, she surmised that her propensity for acting out may have been her mind's attempt to jolt itself towards a semblance of normalcy. However, such insights didn't come easily. Patric embarked on a relentless pursuit of understanding, a quest that continues to this day, as she walks through the labyrinth of psychological literature in search of answers.

Throughout history, a sociopath has been painted with a brush of permanence, deemed untreatable and irredeemable by societal standards. Those affected have endured shame, met with skepticism and avoidance from mental health professionals who fail to recognize the nuanced spectrum within someone who is a sociopath.

Following years of dedicated study, intensive therapy, and the attainment of a Ph.D. in psychology, Patric asserts that being a sociopath doesn't equate to inherent hostility or madness. Rather, it signifies a struggle with emotions, a void that prompts actions in search of fulfillment. It was only through this understanding of herself that she gained a grip over her impulses.

The notion that all sociopaths are destined to lead desolate, loveless lives is a tragic misconception. Patric’s book stands as a testament to the fact that many within this category live fulfilling lives, boasting successful careers, strong family bonds, and genuine friendships. Their existence challenges the prevailing narrative, revealing the fallacy that emotional limitation is synonymous with moral deficiency. By sharing her story, Patric aims to dispel the isolation felt by many, affirming that she is not alone in her journey.

Patric Gagne. PhD. Courtesy of Stylist

Today, Patric Gagne is a writer, therapist, and advocate for people suffering from sociopathic, psychopathic, and anti-social personality disorders. She earned a PhD in clinical psychology with a dissertation that examined the relationship between being a sociopath and anxiety. This research became the groundwork for her continued studies on sociopathic disorder, as well as the foundation for her memoir. Today she is working to expand the definition of being a sociopath to include its status as a spectrum disorder. She did her undergraduate work at UCLA and earned her masters and doctorate at California Graduate Institute, Los Angeles.

What can we learn from this story? What's the takeaway?

Patric's plea is genuine and convincing. She is urging for empathy to extend in an unconventional direction: from those unaffected towards those struggling with it as a medical condition, and whose humanity remains intact no matter their moral limitations. She presents a compelling argument for fostering such understanding and entertaining the notion that one who is a sociopath, to some extent, is treatable. 

Well, there you go, my friends; that's life, I swear

For further information regarding the material covered in this episode, I invite you to visit my website, which you can find on Apple Podcasts, for show notes calling out key pieces of content mentioned and the episode transcript.

As always, I thank you for the privilege of you listening and your interest. 

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