One Child, Two Aging Parents: The New Challenge

7 min read

The complexities of modern family dynamics are changing. We're exploring a seismic shift in our society—a surge in only-child families. But here's the twist: as these solo offspring grow up, they're facing a unique challenge. As mom and dad age, the responsibility falls solely on their shoulders. The only-child boom is more than just a demographic trend—it's a story of love, commitment, and the evolving dynamics of family in the 21st century. 

Welcome to That's Life, I Swear. This podcast is about life's happenings in this world that conjure up such words as intriguing, frightening, life-changing, inspiring, and more. I'm Rick Barron your host. 

Now and then I find interesting information, a story or an intriguing fact, while researching my next topic. While not a big story per se, it comes down to what I call, ‘it’s the little things that matter’. From time to time, I’ll share these segments with you and hope you’ll learn something of value from the episode, even if it’s a small little thing.

That said, here's the rest of this story 

For many who have experienced, and those that will eventually, the lives of your parent’s will cross into a period when their bodies start to unravel. It is called the journey to what will be the end of life. If you fall into the area of being an only child, your life will also untangle when that day arrives.

As my parents reached those years where the body starts dealing with the loss of strength, not having that bounce in your walk, or just getting out of a chair is difficult, I faced the moment where I needed to provide care for both. 

They were in their late 80s, and watching for their well-being became not only a weekly task but the weekends as well. 

Taking care of my parents was emotionally very exhausting but also a real an eye opener to the cost of that care.

I was lucky in one sense, as I wasn’t alone. I had a wonderful partner to help me, my wife. Many kids are the only child in the family, and taking care of two elderly parents, let alone one can become very challenging. 

As my parents got older, the mishaps began to kick in. My 89-year-old father, at the time, fell when taking out the garbage and twisted his back. Weeks later, my 89-year-old mother fell in her bathroom and was immediately taken to the hospital, a place she hated.

My wife and I spent each day after work caring for bills and calling doctors and social workers. Fortunately, both of us were working, so handling the expense was a little easier. However, if you’re an only child, you may find yourself in a situation where even reasonable care costs could result in emptying your savings account.   

Think about it. Your parents can no longer help themselves, and you find yourself saying, “I have no brothers or sisters to take turns with me.” It can be a frightening and stressful thought to face. 

Being an only child is becoming more common, with about 22% of women at the end of their childbearing years having an only child, double the 11% in 1976, according to a 2015 Pew Research Center report. 

Those of you who are ‘Only children’, have no siblings to share the responsibility of caring for aging parents. That said, the isolation takes a toll, emotionally and financially. Decisions about whether a parent should get surgery, move out of the house or quit driving rest solely with you if you have no one else to lean on. Trust me, having been down that path, the various milestones of your parents getting old, come rushing at you like a tornado. 

I recall talking to my dad about not driving anymore as he lost his sharpness, attention span, and poor eyesight, which set off the alarm that driving the car was no longer possible. He understood, but not my mom, who didn’t know how to drive a car, let alone a bicycle. She kept insisting, ‘Your dad can still drive!’ It took several arguments, but eventually, she came around.

Probably the most significant cost one will face, even more so as a single child; is the 
 out-of-pocket expenses. An example of that is elderly caregivers. When you enter this area, be prepared for sticker shock.

Again, this will be a high hurdle if you’re an only child with little savings. Through research, we discovered the costs will vary. 

For those who come from a single-child home, you may find yourself dealing with only doing part-time work or even quitting your job entirely. Should you find yourself with little in funds, your money can rapidly disappear even if you have a fair savings account. The flipside to this coin is dealing with a situation where a parent needs 24x7 care from those whose business is to treat older adults.

This is where the cost skyrockets. 

Placing your parent at a facility could cost $7,000 and $10,000 a month out-of-pocket.

Across the country, millions of caregivers look after a loved one – a relative or a friend. About 53 million US adults are caregivers, according to a 2020 report from AARP.

Sixty-three percent of US caregivers who look after adults said the person they were looking after needed care because of “long-term physical conditions,” the report says.

Amy Goyer, AARP’s national family and caregiving expert, understands the toll, having managed and financed much of her parents’ care. Even though she has siblings who pitched in, she ended up having to file for bankruptcy protection after depleting her savings and paying for her parents’ care.

With only children, Amy recommends connecting with other caregivers through support groups and building a team of understanding friends and professionals, such as paid caregivers, therapists, and geriatric care managers, if they can afford them.

Again, my wife and I were still working, and although the cost was very high, we could manage. I’m not sure what or how I could’ve dealt with the care of my parents had I been by myself.

Making decisions alone

The pool of family members available for caregiving roles is getting smaller. According to AARP, the ratio of potential family caregivers to those 80 and older is expected to drop to 4 to 1 in 2030, down from 7 to 1 in 2010. 

For an only child, the responsibility can mean dropping everything when a parent becomes sick. 

Think about you living out of state or even another country. In the middle of the night, you get a call saying your mom requires emergency surgery.  You decide to get your mom to the hospital while you hurry to catch the next plane to be by their side. Now, think if you’re an only child and can’t afford to fly out. It could happen, but I’m sure one would find a way back while dealing with what is waiting for you when you arrive at the hospital.

Another scenario for only children is whose parents are divorced, and the challenges are that caring for these parents is compounded because they live in different locations. Talk about a problematic situation. 

If circumstances allow, and your parents are in relatively good health, that would be great. However, if one took ill, adult children with siblings can discuss who is best equipped or able to go when a parent needs help or how to rotate care. 

Only children don’t have those conversations. 

Looking back at my parents, I see that they lived fairly good lives. My dad was a construction worker, and after retirement, he started his own gardening business. Even with his business and pension, money was tight. Neither went to college. My mom did odd jobs but nothing that led to her having a pension like my dad. 

In short, my parent and perhaps others didn’t have enough to save to prepare for those final years in one’s life.

Many who are the only child can feel utterly alone when it’s only you dealing with an elderly parent or parents. There’s no one else to do it, but you. I knew of someone who was married and their spouse wouldn’t get involved as they felt it wasn’t their responsibility being their 
 in-laws were not their parents. Let that thought sink in if you will. 

Taking care of elderly parents as an only child can become more consuming as their health starts getting worse. 

For adult children, caregiving for their parents as they age and decline is an inevitable rite of passage. However, only children who have to be caregivers face a different burden than those raised in a family with one or more siblings willing to share the duties and stressors. Only children often have to do it all. 

Only children can benefit from preparing early for the eventuality of their parents needing caregiving assistance, anticipating the financial repercussions, by meeting with an attorney about power of attorney, and overseeing their parents' wills.

Years prior to my parents entering their elderly years, we took them to a lawyer to get a will and living trust. They did not understand the importance of having such documents and the ramifications of not having them. We paid the cost as my parents didn’t have the means. God only knows what may have happened had we not taken that action. I call this out so that you see a lawyer immediately if you are an only child and your parent don’t have such documents.

If you’re a  only child and you see signs that the parent is faltering, such as forgetting appointments, neglecting to take their medicine or being unable to balance their checkbook, it's likely time to intervene. Start by asking the parent open-ended, non-judgmental questions to determine if they forget things or face daily difficulties.

The parent should be listened to and consulted, depending on their mental state. Include the parent in care decisions whenever possible. The best place to start is by learning as much about the parent's failing health, such as emerging dementia as possible, about the disease's progression and behaviors associated with it. That way, the adult child can know what to expect and better prepare for the parent's future options.

When taking care of my parents in their final years, my mind ran with so many questions. Where will my parent be buried? Turns out my parents hadn’t prepared for that either. How long would we have to pay for my dad’s private health care? How do we deal with selling their house? The list of questions continued. Now imagine if only you have to deal with all of this!

Here's another thought. If you’re an only child, who will help you as you enter your senior years? For those who see their parents struggling in their final years, what would they do, if you, an only child, were not around? 

What can we learn from this story? What's the takeaway?

Prepare. Be ready to help your parents and yourself as best as possible. Sooner or later, we all will cross that bridge into senior care. It’s dealing with the little things that matter early on that can make a difference in living comfortably or struggling with the final years of your life. 

Well, there you go, my friends; that's life, I swear

For further information regarding the material covered in this episode, I invite you to visit my website, which you can find on Apple Podcasts, for show notes calling out key pieces of content mentioned and the episode transcript.

As always, I thank you for the privilege of you listening and your interest. 

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